Baller.

An SUV is not a bad thing. No, in fact, it can be a very good thing--a means to carry crucial medical personnel to a disaster area, for example, or supplies to a region suffering bad weather. It can even be a hell of a lot of fun if you're the off-roading type, and I'm all about having fun in your car.

But whose idea was it to make big, fat, ugly, over-the-top SUV's a performance status symbol? Where did the obnoxious "SUV-tuning" niche come from to inspire otherwise legit companies like HAMANN and Project Kahn to make products for them?

Here's the answer, the way I see it, conveniently organized into list form:
1. Choose overpriced, over-optioned SUV.
2. Develop absurd body kit and lowered suspension for more exclusive looks.
3. Attach oversized wheels.
4. Bolt on exhaust and reflash ECU to make more power and noise.
5. Profit.

SUV body kits and lowering springs make money, because they help SUV buyers show off, and that's the point for half the people who buy the huge ugly gas-wasting things. And I think they suck.

What's more American than NASCAR? Hating on NASCAR, that's what.

Henry Rollins once said that the KKK is not the most dangerous of the white power groups operating in America, but it's the most embarassing to wear as an American outside the country. Everyone, as he pointed out, knows what a Klansman looks like- you can picture him all dressed up in Mama's bedsheets and parading down Main Street of some ubiquitous Southern town, spouting some pseudo-racist statement about "protecting the rights of the white man." I think Rollins was spot on. I also think NASCAR is to international motorsports what the KKK is to international race relations.

Okay, that sounds a little harsh, but I'm not trying to accuse the Nextel Cup of outright bigotry. I'm just saying it's a massive point of ridicule among racing enthusiasts the world over.

Let's face it. NASCAR is no longer a motorsport any more than the vehicles involved are stock cars. Those are tube-frame racecars with pushrod V8's and big, cartoony number stickers peeking through a clusterfuck of sponsor logos. When Toyota joined the series a few years ago, they actually had to under-engineer their motors just to meet regulations, having never built a pushrod automobile engine before. That's staggering. Every other motorsport rewards innovation and holds up engineering skill as its highest value, allowing improvements in technology to determine the advancement of the series. Meanwhile, NASCAR crushes the same by making it a competition between drivers. A competition between drivers flying around in circles. It's like watching Richard Hammond run on a wheel.

To illustrate, let's compare NASCAR to the World Rally Championships, shall we?

Look back at the series' respective history.

In the 1970s, WRC gave us the Lancia Stratos, possibly the most outrageous-looking European car of all time. NASCAR gave us Richard Petty and cowboy hats with pheasant feathers, which is outrageous too, but not in a good way.

In the 1980's, WRC gave us all-wheel-drive in the form of the insane Audi Sport Quattros, which remain the most badass production-based off-road cars ever built. The new drive layout revolutionized the sport and rendered everything before it obsolete, and the cars sounded incredible to boot. NASCAR gave us Days of Thunder, a blatant (and less awesome) rip-off of Top Gun.

In the 1990's, WRC gave us the EVO, the STi, the EVO vs. STi war, anti-lag, computer-controlled differentials and AWD compact sedans with four doors and turbochargers on dealer lots. NASCAR gave us Jeff Gordon doused in Pepsi and an endless stream of airbrushed "#3 The Intimidator Forever" memorabilia.

And today, when the WRC has managed to bring those spectacular turbo rally cars to U.S. streets, NASCAR has still failed to spawn any innovation that goes into production on a road-legal vehicle. And how could it? Dodge won't be building chromoly Calibers anytime soon, or replacing real headlamps with stickers. In fact, the new short-track "car of the future" seems to have stolen the wing from your riceboy neighbor's Corolla rather than the other way round. NASCAR's biggest revolution in the last five years was the adoption of the HANS device after Dale Sr. went splat, and that thing isn't exactly going to be an accessory available at your local Chevy dealership.

Far be it from me, though, to argue with market forces. There's no denying NASCAR is a money-making phenomenon and generates untold millions as America's top spectator sport... but that's where it gets a bit hazy for me. Sports reward greatness, betterment, self-improvement. NASCAR, on the other hand, encourages an abnormally level playing field.

Take swimming. Michael Phelps comes along and beats everyone and proves, unequivocally, that he's the best in the world. Tiger Woods does the same in golf, LeBron James in basketball, Roger Federer in tennis. That kind of domination is natural from time to time in the real world of competitive sports. Ferrari was king of the F1 hill for a time, just as Audi was when they introduced quattro in WRC, and eventually the other teams adapted and caught up. The nature of sports is that they aren't equal and when the best emerge, they should be allowed to raise the discipline to another level. The engineers should be freed to create better cars and explore the limits of their abilities if NASCAR is to be called a motorsport.

Roundy-roundy racin' does have its high points, though. I have friends who are huge NASCAR fans and go on and on about the experience of attending a race, the atmosphere, the noise and the comraderie of being a part of an enormous crowd. It really does sound like a hell of a time, a whole weekend of cheap beer, barbecue and bare midriffs--all of which I wholeheartedly support. So I don't have a problem with NASCAR continuing to exist, or even becoming ever more popular and prosperous. I just don't think it deserves to be called a motorsport. So instead of claiming to be "America's most popular spectator sport," how about NASCAR starts telling it like it is?

"America's biggest party, every weekend, all summer long." Now that I can get behind.

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Vol. 1

Good Idea: Trying to create buzz for your redesigned new model release with a viral video.

Bad Idea: Trying to create buzz for your redesigned new model release with a viral video in which the car just sorta drives around in CGI.

The 2008 Impreza hasn't even gone on sale yet and it's already taken more criticism than all of last season's American ldol hopefuls combined. Enthusiasts don't like the hatchback bodystyle and the weird grille, tuners are wary of the new engine's plastic intercooler end tanks and Internet favor is quickly turning in favor of the new EVO X. Subaru needs help now.

So what do they do? They spend lots of money on a Japanese-themed three-part "epic series" featuring a new WRX sliding through the woods, crusing the highway and tooling around an anonymous Asian city. And incidentally, doing all that without a driver. Unless Subaru is covertly touting a secret advancement in robotic driving technology, it's hard to see the point. Add to that the fact that it just looks over-produced (too slick, no real plot, no dialogue to follow) and that it was released over a three-week span, giving us plenty of time to lose interest, and it becomes clear that Subaru doesn't quite get it.

Spy videos of the new STi at the Nurburgring did far more for the brand than all the cash Subaru spent on the "Legend Returns" clips. Enthusiasts aren't stupid. We know Subaru is trying to go mainstream with the '08, and we all have our opinions on the looks, but the five-door is a lighter, stiffer car with a more advanced rear suspension than the old GD chassis. We need to be assured that the WRX and new STi will still be driver's cars. We know we're the intended viewers here, too. Let's face it- the moms in the new target market won't be watching virals! It'll be the younger, more tech-savvy buyers who end up watching these clips, and content is king in this arena. With no hook, no excitement and no humor, viewers have no reason to pass the video along-which is the point of a good viral in the first place.

Give us a video of a real (non-CGI) WRX being put through its paces on a rally stage. Give us jumps and slides and in-car cameras to capture the real feel of thrashing the new car. Give us Ken Block strapping a camera to the nose and roaring through a forest. Hell, give us more shots of the new WRC car! Give us anything with substance.

But DON'T feed us this crap. If the WRX can stand on its own as a performance car, drive it hard-in the REAL WORLD-and show what it can do. We'll be perfectly happy to send it to our friends and help you build buzz, but first you have to give us something that doesn't suck.

I have to admit though, the sign in the video that says "Traffic Report: One Shiny Truck" is pretty hilarious.

Why does AMG = RWD?

I recently spent a few months living and working London, and the automotive environment in that city is a sight to behold. Everything tends to the extreme. Smart fourtwos and legions of classic and modern Minis battle Bentleys and high-po Bavarian sedans for the capital's sparse lane space. The posher parts of town, especially close to my digs in Kensington, are dominated by those big, pricey Germans. A Boxster may as well be a Beetle in southwest London, and a great many of the rides of choice wear the three-letter badge of Deutschland's most power-crazed tuning arm, Mercedes' AMG.

The McLaren-built SLR notwithstanding, all Mercedes' premium products are AMG-branded supersleds. Beginning as an independent tuner, the shop earned enough respect in its work as a racecar builder to be chosen as a company partner on production Mercedes vehicles beginning in 1993. With even more success building M-B's factory cars for DTM and FIA GT racing, AMG eventually was absorbed by Daimler-Benz in 1999 and repurposed as a factory performance division turning out high-priced, high-powered versions of standard Mercedes road cars.

This is nothing terribly groundbreaking, of course. Virtually every manufacturer has an in-house tuner, creating a sub-brand to differentiate products for the slightly more hardcore (or overly image-conscious) enthusiast. BMW's M Sport and Audi's RS line are AMG's most obvious direct competitors in this swarm of acronyms, joined by STi, TRD, SRT and a host of others. Each of these divisions has its own self-imposed limitations. M Sport, for example, doesn't do forced induction. The M badge and Audi's RS moniker never touch the company's biggest, thirstiest sedans to protect those brands' reputations for sporty cars, so we've never had an M7 or an RS8.

That said, relative to the factory tuning arms of the other automakers, Mercedes' aces always seem to do things with the volume cranked to 11. No Benz vehicle seems to be safe from AMG's wrenches, including the massive S-class sedan, which when blessed with a twin-turbo 6.0L V12 makes 612 horsepower and roars from zero to 62 in an astonishing 4.4 seconds. This is AMG's bread and butter. They take big, heavy cars and stuff big, angry turbo motors into them with big, tough automatic transmissions. Sure, you can buy a CL65 AMG coupe with the same drivetrain, but heck, anybody can make a fast coupe- BMW's 500-hp M6 and Audi's upcoming RS5, for example. The S63 and S65 AMG, though, are unchallenged. If you want to go faster than anyone else in four-door comfort, you buy an S65 and close the book. Even the new crop of supersaloons (Maserati Quattroporte, Aston Martin Rapide, Bentley Continental Flying Spur, Porsche Panamera, etc.) can't match the absolutely terrifying acceleration an AMG S-class can provide.

AMG has a problem, however. Producing obscene levels of power in a big, heavy sedan isn't a simple process, even after the engine, transmission, suspension and brakes have been uprated to handle all that muscle. The weak point is the rubber, and this is where AMG stops acting like engineering gods and starts to obediently follow the company line. See, every AMG car is rear-wheel-drive, and two drive wheels simply CAN'T PUT THAT MUCH POWER DOWN. And because these are based on standard Mercedes luxury cars, and have to retain plenty of rear seat space and luggage capacity, there simply isn't room for tires beyond a certain width. Mickey Thompson drag radials aren't the most practical choice for the street, so those are out too.

To cope with all that ridiculous power and keep fat old men from oversteering into ditches, AMG has no choice but to strangle its own engines with electronic traction control. Now don't get me wrong here--traction control is a good thing. It can intervene and save the lives of even the most experienced drivers in low-grip situations. But in an S65 or any of the other AMG sedans, traction control is constantly called upon just to keep the rear tires from overpowering everything. Try a launch that's anything beyond Buddhist-calm and buttery smooth, or get on the gas mid-corner, and the driver finds the car constantly pulsing the brakes to keep ass behind nose.

This wouldn't be such a big deal if top speed was an AMG's party piece, but every German muscle saloon is limited to 155mph and virtually none of the Autobahn is unrestricted anymore. Proposals are even under consideraton in the German government to establish a nationwide speed limit. The upcoming supersedans from Aston and BMW (remember the Concept CS?) will be faster in the top end, as is the Flying Spur. So at this point, AMG has nothing but horsepower and torque numbers protecting its position at the top of the factory-tuner food chain. There is no better way to court poseurs and alienate enthusiasts than by building cars the way AMG is doing it today.

To hold onto this slot, AMG has to start building all-wheel-drive cars--HAS to. BMW M Sport's resolute decision to cling to RWD makes sense. The M division holds tight to its fundamental front-engine, rear-drive layout without forced induction for the purest driving experience, while Audi has embraced AWD with a vengeance and made quattro its selling point since its WRC dominance in the crazy 80's. AMG has become synonymous with two things: cartoonish power and traction control. No one buys an AMG expecting a sports car, so the division's slavish adherence to RWD drivetrains is ultimately pointless.

Mercedes already has AWD systems from its heavy machinery division and the M-class and R-class SUV/crossover lines. With a clear lead over the competition in power numbers, and the game-changing Black Series cars just introduced, it's high time AMG woke up to AWD. Beyond just helping to rein in excessive torque, driving the front wheels will make their cars safer in the wet and even--dare I say it?--useful in the event of snow. Otherwise the company is stymied. More power, the division's perennial goal, would simply be pointless.

So get to it, AMG. Set your oversized brains to the task of revising a Mercedes AWD system that can handle 700lb-ft, and reclaim your status as a legitimate performance marque.

Concept.

This is a blog for all things all-wheel-drive.

And for commentary, insight and information, or at the very least bitching, wild-ass guesses and unfounded speculation. I'm from the Northeast U.S., the Snowbelt proper, and having four drive wheels is a big deal for people around here. Regular readers (if I ever have any) will figure out my tastes pretty quickly. I like coupes and wagons and I get excited about snow tires. Unnecessary features piss me off (VW Jettas with air-cooled glove boxes, I'm looking at you). American drivers are a constant disappointment to me, as about 95% of the population actively hates driving, and these drivers don't help their own cause by thinking of cars as places to sit while being ferried from location from location. I really like Subaru, but I respect other manufacturers as well.

To me a car is a slice of independence and a manifestation of the American dream. And I like the go-anywhere spirit of an AWD car most of all, because besides being equipped to cope with rain, snow and messy road conditions, they really are more fun to drive. Those two extra drive wheels help your machine launch harder and put power down better at corner exits. They're great for autocross and track driving, rally, drag racing and hooligan-style donuts in snowy parking lots, and when you're done, they'll get you home at night and to work the next day. For sedate sedan drivers, for soccer moms, for speed junkies--I think all-wheel-drive can be all things to all people.

So the purpose of this blog is to spout off about the market, the direction it's headed and the best companies and cars out there with AWD. And to convince people to sell their damn SUV's. Remember- it's AWD, not 4WD.